Start With Kindness
You shouldn’t have to earn compassion. What if patience came first, not after an explanation?
Why Isn’t Kindness Our First Response?
Lately, I’ve been struggling more than usual.
For health reasons, I haven't been able to take my ADD medication, and without it, my brain feels like... well, you know that wall of TVs at Best Buy?
Every screen blaring a different channel at full volume?
That’s the inside of my head right now. Dozens of channels, no idea what’s going on but somehow, they all seem to know.
Tasks that used to take an hour now take two (on a good day).
I lose my train of thought mid-sentence.
Sometimes I reread the same paragraph five times and still think, what did I just read?
It’s frustrating. Embarrassing. Occasionally hilarious, if you catch me standing in the middle of a room trying to remember why I’m there.
Whenever I find myself apologizing for the gaps, explaining why I’m not as focused, why I keep trailing off like an old internet connection , something almost magical happens:
People's tone changes.
They soften.
They give me time.
And it’s made me wonder:
Why isn't this our first instinct?
Why do we wait for an explanation before offering grace?
The Default Settings of Our Society
Most of us have been trained, without even realizing it, to treat competence and speed as the baseline expectation.
You’re supposed to be quick, sharp, and on your game, always.
If you’re not, the default assumption usually isn’t, "I wonder if they’re struggling."
It’s more like, "Get it together, Brenda."
When someone forgets, hesitates, or zones out, we tend to interpret it as laziness or carelessness.
We don't pause to ask: "What might be happening underneath?"
We assume they’re just... bad at life.
It’s not because people are cruel.
It’s because society rewards visible performance over invisible effort.
Kindness has become something you have to earn, not something freely given, like some weird emotional loyalty program nobody remembers signing up for.
Invisible Battles Are Everywhere
Think about how often this happens:
We think someone is cold or standoffish, and then find out later they’re grieving.
We get irritated that someone missed a meeting, and then discover they’re quietly caring for a sick parent.
We think someone is flaky, and then realize they’re managing a dozen invisible responsibilities.
And suddenly, all our irritation turns to understanding.
Suddenly, we have endless patience.
Suddenly, everything makes sense.
It’s as if we need an official announcement:
"Attention: This person is struggling. Please adjust your expectations accordingly."
But most battles are fought silently.
Most struggles stay hidden.
People don’t disclose because it’s exhausting to explain your pain to every passing stranger.
Because sometimes, the effort it takes to prove you're allowed to struggle costs more than just staying silent.
Why Don't We Default to Grace?
There are reasons, of course.
We’re taught to be cautious, to not "waste" kindness on people who "don't deserve it."
We fear being taken advantage of.
(As if there’s an underground network of lazy baristas and distracted coworkers masterminding an elaborate plot to steal your patience.)
But most of the time, it’s not even malice.
It’s habit.
We’ve been trained to see slowness, forgetfulness, distraction, not as signs of humanity, but as personal failings.
Our society loves the myth that if you just work hard enough, stay focused enough, push yourself enough, nothing will ever slip.
And when something does slip, because it always does, the assumption is you must have done something wrong.
It’s a heavy way to live.
For all of us.
Reimagining Our First Response
But what if we made a different assumption?
What if we started with patience instead of skepticism?
What if kindness didn’t have to be earned like some kind of emotional merit badge?
You don’t have to know someone's full story to offer them a little extra room to breathe.
You don’t have to understand every detail of their struggles to be gentle.
And let's be honest, no one’s handing out trophies for "Fastest To Assume The Worst."
We’re not winning anything by being harsh.
It costs us almost nothing to be kinder first.
And it could mean everything to someone who’s quietly fighting a battle you’ll never see.
The Quiet Revolution of Everyday Kindness
So the next time a cashier seems distracted, or a coworker forgets a meeting, or a friend takes a little longer than usual to text back —
Pause.
Breathe.
Assume the best.
Offer patience before you know the full story.
Because someone once gave that grace to you, too.
And someday, maybe soon, you'll need it again yourself.
Kindness shouldn’t be a prize for good behavior.
Kindness should be the starting point.